I have been feeling so many emotions over the last few weeks, but today the root of it all hit me while reading the blog "Gloriously Ruined." My students have been hard at work on the CAHSEE (California High School Exit Exam) for the last two days and it has given me a chance to catch up on things in the classroom also allowing me to get somewhat caught up on life in general.  Swim season has started (Go Mustangs!), YAM (Young Adult Ministry at our church) is starting to gain momentum and grow, I am trying to keep up a consistent work-out routine (I don't want to slip back into old habits after losing 50 pounds over the past 1.5 years), we have been on the wait list for our sweet baby boy for almost 1 month, and Michael has started traveling again.  I am tired just thinking about everything that is going on, but fatigue isn't the emotion that has been spilling over into all facets of my life right now...today I realized that it is fear. 

As I stood at our espresso maker half-awake this morning, brewing a latte while watching my kitties chase one another through the living room, my heart was happy.  Then...I suddenly had a thought which had not previously occurred to me...what if our son is allergic to cats?  I was immediately filled with fear at the prospect of this one possibility years in my future.  I wish that I could say that thoughts such as these are not a regular occurrence, but I would be lying...this happens nearly every day.  Fear rules my life, and it is usually over something small and far beyond my immediate concerns...I am constantly fearful about the future.

I know that I am not unique in this.  There are loved ones in my life fearful about big and small things at this very moment.  My students fear whether or not they will be able to pass the CAHSEE which is necessary for graduation, friends and family are fearful about finances, issues of life and death, starting a family, the health of aging parents, and other things unspoken and my heart is heavy for each and every fear.  But 1 John 4:18 reminds us that "perfect love casts out fear."  I am quick to say that I believe in the love of God and that I trust in Him alone...but do I live in a way that shows that His love is true and believe that this love is more than enough to cast out my fear?  Most days, the answer is no.  I am, far too often, frozen with fear. 

God is good.  The author of the blog that I mentioned before reminded me just how many times the bible tells us not to fear...365 times, one reminder for each day, essentially. Clearly God anticipates our fear and wants to remind us that there is nothing to fear when we allows ourselves to place our trust in Him.  If I had to make a list of my top 5 fears, here is what they would be...

1. Losing my husband...either to death, he travels on planes and drives rental cars far too often, or divorce, our marriage is stronger than ever but once your life has been rocked by divorce it is hard to let go of that fear altogether. 

2. That the wait for our son will be much longer than the wait we already anticipate...

3. That we will only have one child...

4. That my life will fail to show the love of Christ to others...

5. That holidays and special occasions with my family will never get any easier...

And those fears are only the top five...but when I bring my fears to light, God is able to show me that He is faithful to work all things, including my fears, together for good, and remind me that "perfect love casts out fear."  When I step out of my comfort zone and trust God to provide everything that I need, then He shows me time and time again that I can trust in His promises.  Faith and action as a result of love are the answers to my fear.  Still, knowing that also makes me afraid that I will fail...fail to act...fail to love...fail to trust...so all that I can do is seek to rely on Christ more and more each day.  Love came down to rescue me in Jesus, and as a result I am forever HIS! 




This song helps me to remember..."Love Came Down"