"All this earth.  Could all that is lost ever be found?  Could a garden come up from this ground at all?" 

There are three fuchsias in our backyard which were given to us by my parents when they sold their house.  By some miracle they are still alive.  Surrounded by dirt they beckon to me to not give up on the potential.  They beg me to see beyond the dirt...but over the past few months I have been consumed by the dirt.  I am struggling to hold on to that promise.  

"All this pain.  I wonder if I'll ever find my way.  I wonder if my life could really change at all."

When we first made the decision to adopt, it felt as though all of the dirt in regards to family was being replaced with seeds of hope...when we started there was a timeline of no more than 2 years start to finish.  I couldn't change what was happening to the family that I was born into, but finally we could start to build our new family.  At the time I had convinced myself that because we had already waited and hoped for a child for more than 2 years that our wait would be as promised...surely God was blessing us because we had already waited...I anxiously waited to see what would grow from those seeds of hope and replace the dirt.  

Now, more than a year later we are faced with the reality that it will be at least 5 years before we receive a referral for our son in Ethiopia.  We are number 82 on the wait list and there were 17 infant boy referrals last year, so if you do the math...4.8 years.  Our agency has told us a similar time line...the wait is increasing 1/2 a month for each month that goes by...and families on the top of the list have been waiting 26 months or more.  We have been on the wait list for a little over 3 months.  At this point it is easy to feel as though we will never become parents.  Another spring is nearly done and there is no visible evidence that seeds were ever planted in the dirt.  All that we can do at this point is hope and pray that Ethiopia doesn't close to international adoptions completely before we make it to the top of the list as recently occurred in Russia.  When I look at the recent past all that I see is dirt and the future looks the same.  I never thought that I wouldn't become a mom until my late 30's and I never gave myself over to the thought that it might never happen until the last few months.  We don't have the money to pursue a second infant adoption at this point (international and domestic cost about the same $40,000) and foster to adopt isn't really an option because I am not a stay at home mom and Michael travels.  I feel lost...consumed by the dirt. 

"You make beautiful things.  You make beautiful things out of the dust.  You make beautiful things.  You make beautiful things out of us." 

I know the above to be true...yet I have still questioned...daily...  How can life continue to be so hard?  I know that I should have hope, but I have really struggled to feel that truth over the past few months.  Starting our own family has been the only source of hope in a very dark chapter of life...at least that is what I convinced myself. Yet, we are not promised that this life is going to be easy.  Instead of focusing on the chaos and confusion...and spending my days lamenting the ways that I feel my life is unfair...I should be looking at the dirt with anticipation.  There is hope even when I can't see or feel it...our fuchsias continue to thrive amongst the dirt. We fail to water them as we should, and I continue to focus on the dirt, still they continue to produce beautiful flowers.  

"All around, hope is springing up from this old ground.  Out of chaos life is being found in You."

Daily, I am surrounded by "kids" who also look at the chaos in their lives and struggle to find hope.  For some, they are living a life without parental support or accountability.  For others, they struggle to achieve academic success and see no hope of the future.  For most, they don't know of the hope that we have in Christ.  I realized this week that I have been focusing on hope springing up from the wrong patch of dirt.    This year, I was blessed with the opportunity to work with a group of students who are struggling in terms of reading comprehension.  They are not an easy group to teach as they are easily distracted.  However, they have grown leaps and bounds this year in terms of academics.  Seventy-five percent of the class passed the Exit Exam in English.  Those who did not pass were extremely close.  They have each successfully completed at least one novel during SSR and many are on their second or third title.  They are all passing my class and will not have to attend summer school next year.  They offer me hope for the future.  I may not be able to be involved in the life of a child after hours as a mother, but God has blessed me with this group of students who have shown me that a garden can spring from a patch of dirt.  They are proof that God knows the longings of my heart...He is just filling that in me in a different place than where I have been looking.  Despite my tears, my complaints, my jealousy of others, my questioning of Him, God continues to make beautiful things out of dust.  He continues to use me despite my failings.  Teaching these kids takes me away from focusing on me, because my time on this earth isn't about me.  Next year, God has blessed me with a full teaching line of reading intervention.  I can't wait to see the ways that He is going to grown His garden in the lives of my "kids" and in my own heart. 

Someday we may have a backyard filled with a beautiful garden with a beautiful little boy...or two...or with a sweet little girl to chase after her brother...but even if our yard remains a dirt filled space forever and never knows the pitter-patter of little feet, the garden that God is creating according to His timeline in our lives is beautiful and it is enough.  

"You make beautiful things.  You make beautiful things out of the dust.  You make beautiful things.  You make beautiful things out of us." 

All of the lines in bold above were written and recorded by Gungor in the song "Beautiful Things."