Even If He Doesn't...

Yesterday I did something scary...pretty much one of the most terrifying things that I have ever done. Buy me a ticket to jump out of a plane and I'll do it tomorrow.  Ask me to bungee jump off of a bridge...no big deal.  Spill my soul to you all online even when it's raw and messy...done.  Tell my story of infertility and hope to my entire church congregation, not just once, but twice in one day?  Um, well...what if I simply forgot to exit the freeway and drove to San Francisco instead?  Yet I didn't do that, even though I wanted to keep driving.  Yesterday was the first Sunday in advent, a day to celebrate the hope that we have because of the birth of Christ and I was asked to share my story of hope.  So, I stood...and I cried...and my hands shook with such force during the first service that my husband had to hold my paper.  Somehow, I made it through and here is what I said.

For the majority of my life I have proclaimed that God was capable of the miraculous…but it was only recently that I came to believe that He was capable of the miraculous in me.  See, I had allowed myself to believe the lie that miracles were intended for everyone…just not me.   Believing that lie sent me to a place filled with fear that I had never intended to go, a place far removed from the awe and hope in any circumstance that God can impress on our hearts when we give Him our lives. 

I have always loved organization in my life…college…career…marriage…and then a family consisting of a happy baby…or two… with freckles to match his or her mommy and daddy.  But after years of trying it was clear that my body didn’t want to cooperate, and so we moved on to the dream of a sweet little baby from a country far away that would grow in our hearts instead of in me.  As the years continued to pass, I tried to control every second of it.  If God wasn’t going to give me my dream, then I was going to do anything that I could to take it myself.  Disappointment turned to sadness and then sadness to despair and then despair to depression.  I had allowed fear to convince me that God was good…just not to me.  And then God did what only He can do…He performed a miracle. 

I wanted that miracle to be a baby.  I wanted to be able to show the world God’s power as evidenced by a pregnancy…or a sudden quickening of the adoption process.  I wanted a baby in my arms to proclaim that God hadn’t abandoned me.  However, God had a bigger plan in mind…a miracle that I refused to believe could occur.  After a long dark night of wrestling with the feeling that there was going to be no purpose for my life and I would die alone without any future generations to care and comfort me… I finally gave up.  I thought that I was giving up hope, but what God was getting me to relinquish was my control.  Once that was gone, once I had truly surrendered my plans for my life, I was able to open myself up to hope in the future that He has planned for my life and this changed EVERYTHING. 

I had been listening to fear instead of God, but fear is a liar.  The social anxiety that kept me in isolation for years began to slowly melt away.  The sting of birth announcements and baby showers began to lessen.  My hours alone began to fill as I stepped out in obedience every time that God led me down a new path.  What has changed inside of me is nothing short of a miracle and I am filled with enormous excitement and hope for the future.  I still hope to become a mom one day, but if God has other plans for my life then I can’t wait to see what God is going to do and the miracles that He will continue to perform.  I don't want to miss one second of His plan for my life and I am filled with immense hope about my future.  

God has a purpose for every moment that we spend on this earth…no matter how short or how long.  When I meet Him face to face I won’t greet Him with anger at how he messed up my life…I will fall down at His feet in worship and adoration.  Eternity is just a breath away and I want to meet Him with scrapes and bruises knowing that I did everything that I could to glorify Him.  I read something on Ann Voskamp’s blog the other day that perfectly communicated what I wanted to say today.  “Life is a furnace and the faithful live by the Shadrach-prayer of only 4 words: “Even if He doesn’t.”  This world doesn’t have anything that can burn down the faith of a heart on fire for God.”   The God of the universe sent His son to redeem mankind…therefore there is no miracle that He can’t perform in us when we truly surrender our lives to Him.  There is always hope…and the fact that God sustains our hope even after our heart has been bruised and battered is a miracle.

*The Giving Keys necklace pictured above was given to me by a dear friend at a time when I needed courage and I wore it yesterday.  If you have a friend who is hurting because her future doesn't look the way that she had hoped, consider encouraging her with one.  They carry important messages and provide jobs for the homeless in Los Angeles.  I don't make any money off of this...I just really love the company mission and message.  www.thegivingkeys.com 



  1. So, so beautiful, my friend. I am so proud of you. God is using you for His glory!


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